Visiting Sick, Hurting or Bereaved
“The father of all Compassion, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
It happens to many of us. We’ve learned that a loved one or neighbor is in the hospital. We go visit them with anxiety, not knowing what to expect, and unsure what to say or how to say it.
What are appropriate ways to comfort someone who experiences health related suffering or grief?
Consider Active-Silence.
Active-silence can be a compassionate means of comfort. This kind of active silence refers to the way(s) we express with our eyes and ears how truly present we are with the one that suffers. It reveals how much we care; and it also provides the time and space for open and honest dialogue.
Sharing Stories
With many questions and concerns distracting the individual from having at least a moment of peace amidst their trial(s), one way we can positively redirect them is by discussing life-stories. It is a good chance that when you visit with someone sick or dying that within reach you might see family pictures or personal books, journals, or other items that have significant meaning. Go ahead and ask how that item is significant to them. Consider the following story from a hospital chaplain.
“I knew this patient was having a rough few days, lots of tests, and many questions still unanswered. Instead of asking questions about these medical matters, I asked about the pictures at the bedside depicting horses on a farm. For at least an hour it was quite clear to me how refreshed and comfortable the patient was talking about life on the farm. But as we were talking, an acquaintance came to visit, and upon hearing our conversation, felt compelled to interrupt and ask multiple questions about the patients health. This wasn’t so inappropriate until the individual began hounding the patient about their faith. Surprisingly, the patient responded: “I’m not ignoring my pain or God, I’m just tired of listening to people tell me how sick I am and how much I need God”.”
It’s not uncommon that we might want to develop a genuine theological or philosophical discussion with a person that is suffering. But when people are suffering, it’s often their emotional side that needs tending to initially. And sometimes they just need to talk about something unrelated to their current situation. Remember, many patients just want to feel comforted with your presence- so be gentle and respectful of this ultimate need.
Be careful how & when you say “Should”
An individual experiencing any sort of grief or suffering should be permitted to express grief in their own way and at their own pace. You are there to provide comfort, not to serve as a motivational-speaker. Telling them what they should think/feel about their suffering or grief is a risky discussion because it can enable false hope, or worse.
Not Over or Under, but Through
Trying to relate with the one whom suffers is another common, yet risky, method of providing comfort. We don’t want to motivate the person to just get over it, like the way we may have in our past. In reality, their journey will inevitably be about how they get through it. It is essential to understand the difference between empathy and sympathy.
Managing our beliefs & assumptions before giving voice to those whom can not speak
It is necessary to manage our own feelings, perceptions, and assumptions about the human experience. For example, thoughts/feelings, free-will, suffering, culture, spirituality, and religion. That way, we can listen well enough to understand what it is they are asking for or hoping for. Remember, those whom suffer often feel alone and at times unable to express their thoughts/feelings as they journey through their suffering or grief. Be prepared to validate the expressions of those whom suffer; help give voice to their thoughts/feelings. Be careful not to be manipulative, as suffering is a vulnerable experience.
Comforting the self-inflicted sufferer
How do we comfort someone when a mistake is the cause for the suffering? Keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes, both large or small. Everyone has the free-will to make choices, to believe and behave through life as they desire. Sometimes we experience self-inflicted suffering due to mistakes related to our unhealthy or irresponsible choices. Even though we may be disappointed with the individual, it is best to check our anger or frustration at the door – not at the individual that suffers.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Forgiveness and reconciliation are spiritual matters that can occur during times of suffering or grief. When the sufferer has nothing else to do than to think about what happened, there may come a desire to try to make sense of it all. This may lead them to seek forgiveness and/or reconciliation with anyone affected by their situation, and particularly with God. With the help of a Pastor or Chaplain, steps towards seeking forgiveness and/or reconciliation can bring an added measure of peace and hope for present moment(s) and also for the journey ahead.
Being sensitive to the Divine
Suffering is often the experience that draws our attention to deeper matters of our spiritual life. It can cause us to think about our family, friends, and community. In these moments, individuals may also seek the hope and/or knowledge that spirituality or religion offers. If you witness spiritual thoughts or questions, it is appropriate to affirm and encourage further spiritual support, such as with a Pastor or Hospital Chaplain.
What not to say:
“I told you this would/could happen”
“I will never speak to you again!”
“God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle”
“Well, we’re not surprised this happened to you”
“Just wait, next year you won’t even remember this.”
“Time heals all wounds”
“You just need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move forward.”
“God helps those who help themselves.”
“A little vacation will cheer you up.”
“What sin did you commit that God would punish you with this?”
What to say:
